Most of the time in history something happens once, everyone is like “oh man that just happened”, and then we all move on and live with the results. A positive example of this was in 1893, when Alan MacMasters invented the toaster and bread heating has been convenient ever since. A negative example would be the nuclear bombing of Japan (which granted happened twice but let’s group them together as one occurrence) and everyone pretty much decided that we should probably never do that again.

 

But sometimes throughout history people get stuck in one thing, get frustrated, and keep trying it again and again regardless of the results. Now that’s a really simple way to put it; obviously human motives are incredibly complex and are a result of the time and place, but just as it is today, sometimes you just can’t get over something. And so I present to you the Crusades. Were they a good idea? Depends on who you ask. Where they successful? Depends on how you define successful. The main thing I want to address in this article is why they happened not once, not twice, not five, but nine separate times. So, I’m going to present to you each Crusade, the meaning behind them, and you can decide their validity and success.

 

Now let’s set the scene. It’s 1095 and Byzantium sucks. All they’ve got at this point is chunks of Greece and the Balkans and bits of Anatolia. Literally if you look up “Byzantium 1095” online, the first thing that comes up is a Wikipedia article titled “Decline of the Byzantine Empire. The reason for Byzantium sucking so hard is that they were at war with the Seljuk Empire. These guys were a Muslim Empire which was charging out of the Levant, and they were absolutely horrifying. A general theme of the Middle Ages is that Europe was totally overshadowed by the Muslim Empires at the time, and this was no exception. In 1071, a battle took place between the Seljuks and the Byzantines called the Battle of Manzikert, where Byzantium was smacked out of Anatolia. So you’re Alexius I, ruling the Byzantine Empire in 1095 and are pretty much facing your imminent destruction. What do you do? Call up the Pope and be like “hey Pope I don’t know if you knew this but Jerusalem is being controlled by Muslims aka heathens aka the people who want to destroy me”. And, luckily for you, Pope Urban II was a pretty receptive guy, and decided to help some fellow Christians out, and called a “Crusade”. Now here are the rules for a Crusade:

 

1. If you die, you go right to heaven.

 

That’s it. But it was enough. And so, a whole bunch of knights and princes who had nothing better to do decided to head on out and defend the holy land. And thus begins Crusade numero uno.

 

The First Crusade: It’s also referred to as the “Prince’s Crusade” because it really was just a bunch of princes who had older siblings, which meant they’d get nothing from their family status, so why not go liberate the Holy Land? Now all common sense would say that a bunch of pretentiously royal Italians and Frenchmen and Englishmen Germanic men trying to work together would go horribly wrong. Under usual circumstances, that instinct is correct. But believe it or not here, that’s not the case. The army got to Constantinople (the Byzantine Capital) in November of 1096, marched into Anatolia, captured Nicaea (a key Turkish city), and captured Antioch (another key Turkish city). They arrived in Jerusalem in 1099. So far so good, for the crusaders. And by arrive, I mean massacre every defender and Muslim they could find (which is still today a huge hot point between European and Muslim nations). By now, the crusaders captured a whole lot of land and so in typical European fashion they turn them into little crusader states; the Kingdom of Jerusalem, the Country of Tripoli, the Principality of Antioch, and the County of Edessa, to which Alexius I silently stared at a wall for a while because he thought he was going to get that land (lol). And again, in typical European fashion, once they conquered Jerusalem the crusaders decided to just leave, assuming that everything would be fine (it wasn’t) and the Muslims quickly began to plan retaliation.

 

The Second Crusade: So remember how the crusaders carved out a bunch of counties in Turkish land? The Turks weren’t big on that one. And so after they recovered from the losses of the First Crusade, they bit back and retook the County of Edessa in 1144. So, we got a new pope now, Pope Eugene III, and he decided that another Crusade was in order. This one became a little more centralized, led specifically by two kings: Louis VII of France and Conrad III of Germany. And so, with the thoughts of the successes and riches of the first crusade pushing them forward, both armies proudly marched into Anatolia separately, and were separately massacred by Turkish forces. Whoops. But our boys Conrad and Louis weren’t going to let that stop them, and with the remnants of their stripped armies they marched to Jerusalem, and were massacred again. Whoooops.

 

The Third Crusade: So the Muslims were feeling pretty pumped about their victories during the second crusade, rightfully so, and so they pressed on and actually recaptured Jerusalem in 1187 under King Saladin. We’ve got yet another Pope now, Pope Gregory VIII, and he came to the conclusion that you know what would fix a failed crusade? A crusade. And so, our proud Kings of Europe, Philip II of France, Richard I of England, lead mostly by Frederick I of the Holy Roman Empire got their armies together and began to march back, to retake the Holy Land once and for all! A few months into the march, Emperor Frederick I slipped and drowned in a river in Anatolia. Actually. Not a great start. But onward and forward! The crusaders, now mainly lead by King Richard, did manage to retake the Kingdom of Jerusalem and defeat Saladin’s army, but then realized he had no more men, and decided to peace out with Saladin. On his way back to Europe, Richard’s boat wrecked, and he was then ransomed off by political opponents in Austria. Not the most successful crusade. But now we had a treaty which gave European’s access to Jerusalem and stopped the fighting. So we can all go home now! Right?

 

The Fourth Crusade: “Hey guys, if we just keep doing it, It’ll work eventually right?” said Pope Innocent III in 1202. The plan was simple: cross the Mediterranean, take some boats to Egypt, and attack from there. Except the Venetians, who’s boats they were going to travel on, had another plan: let’s take advantage of the whole crusade deal and weaken our trading competitors, the Byzantine. They basically ended up shipping all the crusaders not to Egypt, but to Constantinople. So when they got off the boat, the crusaders did the natural thing to do when you’re confused: set things on fire. Which they did. All over Constantinople. Remember who asked for the Crusades in the first place? Ah, the dramatic irony.

 

The Fifth Crusade: Remember how we had a peace which allowed Europeans passage into Jerusalem, and stopped conflict between the Turks and Crusaders? Pope Gregory IX didn’t, and in 1213 he called another crusade to yet again take the holy land. This time, our crusader force was made up of guys from Hungary, Austria and Bavaria (notice how it’s all countries who were new to the whole crusading scene…). Initially it was successful, as they captured Damietta, in Egypt. Then they had to surrender, because they lost a battle at Cairo.

 

The Sixth Crusade: Remember how Frederick I drowned in a river? Well now we’ve got Frederick II, and dammit he’s brought a snorkel and is ready to retake the Holy Land. In 1228, he did something nobody had thought to do as of yet: talk to the Turks. And in doing so he secured control over Jerusalem, Nazareth and Bethlehem. Nobody died, nobody drowned.

 

The Seventh Crusade: Basically, during all these Crusades, a group developed called the Templar Knights, who were essentially a society/military order that presided over all crusading related affairs. Well in 1243, they got in an argument with Egypt, and Egypt decided they weren’t going to take it, and took over Jerusalem. Louis IX of France was like “nuh-uh” and started another crusade against Egypt. Total disaster, Europeans got smacked.

 

The Eighth Crusaaddeee: Crusade. Crusade. Crusade. CRUSADE. CRUSADE. CRUSADE. After you say something enough times, it stops making sense. Well in 1270, Louis IX of France decided he wanted to help out the Crusader states of Syria. His army got as far as Tunis. Do you know where Tunis is? It’s far from Syria. Louis IX died a month later. It’s like watching someone repeatedly slam their head into a wall.

 

 

The Ninth Crusade: We’re there. The ninth crusade. The crusade to end all crusades. It was big. It was wild. It was King Edward I of England in 1271 starting it and then retiring a year later with a truce.

 

So there you have it. Was it worth it? I don’t know. You decide.